Difference in forgiving and trusting

I read this blog today...why is it so hard to forgive and trust again is a question I ask myself often.  

Most of us want to forgive. We don’t want to hold a grudge. We don’t want to be bitter. We don’t want our lives to be consumed with resentment.
But more than wanting to forgive, we don’t want to be hurt again.

There is this natural belief that if we forgive, then we are not only saying what that person did was okay, we are being vulnerable enough to allow them to hurt us again.

Resentment becomes our only defense mechanism to protect our heart. I think many of us live with resentment and bitterness not because we want to, but because we’ve confused forgiveness with trust.

Forgiveness, according to Scripture should be offered unconditionally. In fact, if there are conditions, then it isn’t forgiveness. But trust has to be earned.

If you have been hurt; betrayed; abused; cheated on; lied to then it is easy to confuse these two things.
In fact, so many people that you talk to often feel like they haven’t fully forgiven because their trust hasn’t been restored.

Forgiveness is a process, but trust is a prized possession. Once your trust has been broken, it becomes even more valuable.

As someone who has broken ultimate trust in my marriage can I encourage you? Offer forgiveness freely; offer trust slowly.

Healing doesn’t come all at once. When you’ve been hurt, lied to or betrayed your heart is in a vulnerable state.

What you want most is what you used to have.

What you long for is life before the porn; before the sexting; before the lie; before the cheating; before the Facebook relationship.
What you are tempted to do is to equate forgiveness with trust…and when you do that you short-circuit your healing and the one whose broken your trust’s restoration.

If you desire the relationship to be restored, begin to communicate things that will build your trust. Give the person who’s hurt you an opportunity to earn your trust. Don’t hold them hostage to your suspicions…communicate with them what you desire from them to earn trust. What you shouldn’t be is fearful or paranoid…rather wise and discerning.

I
f you have broken trust in a relationship, it is so easy for you as well to confuse forgiveness with trust. Your feeling is “If you have really forgiven me, then we wouldn’t be having these conversations.” Ask yourself this question, “Has my spouse (friend, sister, daughter) not forgiven me, or do they not trust me?” When you confuse forgiveness with trust you begin to think that you can never do enough to be forgiven.

My guess is that it is much easier for the person you’ve hurt to forgive you than it is to trust you. They love you and want to forgive you, they are just fearful of being hurt again. Humility on your part will go a long way. Pay the price. Seek to do the little things that will earn trust.

The currency of any relationship is trust. Maybe today your relationship seems bankrupt because you’ve confused trust with forgiveness.

As we forgive, we free ourselves from bitterness. As we trust, we experience the process of restoration.

guilt and shame

We all have especially vulnerable places. Tender spots in our heart. Lies we’re more likely to believe. It can take a long time to even recognize them. Lately I’ve been catching glimpses of mine. Guilt and shame can get to me quickly. I make one mistake or fall short of one expectation and suddenly I decide…

I’m a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad wife/friend/daughter, etc.

And what do I do? I try harder, of course. Until I’m weary. And then that just proves the guilt and shame are deserved. Such nonsense. And I know it. Just like I knew Twinkies did not really count as a quality baked good. But I ate them for years anyway.

So the other night I prayed, “Lord, what replaces guilt and shame?”

The answer that slipped into my heart, “Gratitude and praise.” 

So here’s the process I’ve started going through when guilt and shame try to tackle me:

What am I telling myself?

I’m bad because the dust bunnies in my house are now the size of jack rabbits.

What’s the reality?

Yes, the house could use vacuuming. It’s been a really busy week. I’ll be able to do it next week.

What’s the real truth {this is a bridge statement between guilt/shame and gratitude/praise}?

My worth is not based on the size of my dust bunnies. It’s based on who Jesus says I am. And the reason my house is a bit dirty is because he’s had other things for me to focus on the last few days.

What do I have to be grateful for and praise God about?

God, thank you that I have a house to live in with my husband and daughters. I praise you because you’re my ultimate Home and you’re building me a mansion in heaven with no dust bunnies. Help me remember what matters most in light of eternity.

Now it’s your turn to try it…

What’s a lie you’ve been telling yourself?

What’s reality?

What’s the real truth?

What do you have to be grateful for and praise God about?

{Note: I’ve found that the “reality” and “truth” statements are essential. If I try to jump straight to gratitude and praise then I bury the guilt and shame rather than healing it. We’re human and we need to acknowledge that what we’re feeling and experience before we can really change our perspective.}

I know I need to go through this process when I feel the muscles in my tummy tightening up, my heart beating harder and my breath becoming shallow. We respond physically when someone lies to us–and we do the same when we’re lying to ourselves. How does your body tell you that something isn’t quite right? Learn to be aware of that and when you experience it, pause and take a deep breath. Then go through the process above. If you get distracted along the way, it’s okay. Just start again until you get all the way to the end.

Recapture joy

How much of my life have I lived absent of joy? Joy costs nothing and is always available, yet I’ve chosen at times to live without it.

There is a difference in dreaming for the future and wishing for the future. Dreaming inspires you to move forward; wishing causes you to resent where you are.

I have often spent today wishing things will be different tomorrow.

• I wish I had a different job.
• I wish I could a dreamy marriage.
• I wish I had a bigger house.
• I wish I made more money.
• I wish my kids would sleep through the night.
• I wish my kids would get out of diapers.
• I wish I get that promotion.
• I wish my spouse was more like someone else’s spouse.
• I wish I could sell more, accomplish more, do more.

Wishing for the next stage of life is the quickest way to lose joy in this stage of life.

If I could, I’d go back and savor the small house and the beat up cars and the sleepless nights and the blown out diapers and the small beginnings.

We can never get time back.

So often we spend more time thinking about how the next thing will bring us joy that we forfeit the joy of that moment.

Contentment is the pathway to joy.

You want to experience joy immediately…be content. When we are content with who we are and where we are in life, joy is the biproduct of contentment.

I’m asking God to help me be content these days. 

I don’t want to miss what’s now in favor of wishing for what’s next. 

summer time

Summer speaks to us in different ways than other seasons. She says to us, “Pause, savor, feel warmth on your skin.” It’s easy to miss her. She’s quiet, you know. She whispers from the bright red of strawberries that kiss your lips when you taste them. She beckons from waves that stretch out along the shore like a welcoming party. She calls your name through fireflies that invite you to dance in the early dark.

She’s God’s gift to us. A reminder of fullness and grace, rest and beauty, sweetness and abundance.

Will you take a few moments to listen to her with me today? I overlook her almost every year. Then I find myself at the end of September wondering how I missed all the wonder.

Step outside or glance out your window for a moment–just a moment–and look up at the sky. Feel the sun brush your skin, see the flowers dressed up in swimsuit colors, wave hello to a newly hatched robin taking her first hop across the lawn.

Each one is a miracle, ours for the enjoying.

Like strawberries on the vine.

In honor of sweet baby Olivia

...today is the court date when the judge says Olivia is officially home!!  So excited for the sweet family

Sovereign

I've been reading about God's sovereignty recently and pondering what it means for my life.
My belief that God is sovereign doesn't take away the hard stuff or make the path easier, but it changes everything. Everything.

I'm loving these words by Chip Ingram:

“Because God is sovereign and He loves you, nothing will ever come into your life that He does not eitherdecree or allow. Consequently, no matter what you face in life, you can take comfort in the fact that God is sovereign.”—Chip Ingram

I also an enjoying this song by Chris Tomlin - 

my Deliverer

I was so helpless

Where did the light go

I had no hope left

Deep down in my soul

I was watchin'

I was waitin'

I was prayin'

I was stayin' down on my knees

That's right where You found me

My Deliverer, You rescued me from all that held me captive

My Deliverer, You set me free

Now I'm alive and I can live

So every moment I will give you praise

My Deliverer

Ooh my Deliverer

There's no pretending

I can't do it myself

I'm so dependent

Lord I need Your help

I'll be watchin'

I'll be waitin'

I'll be prayin'

I'll be stayin' down on my knees

That's right where You'll find me

My Deliverer, You rescued me from all that held me captive

My Deliverer, You set me free

Now I'm alive and I can live

And every moment I will give you praise

La la la la la I need You

You know whatever I'm goin' through

I'll be watchin'

I'll be waitin'

I'll be prayin'

I'll be stayin' down on my knees

That's right where You'll find me

My Deliverer, You rescued me from all that held me captive

My Deliverer, You set me free

Now I can live

My Deliverer, I'm no longer captive

My Deliverer, You gave Your life that I might live

So every moment I will give you praise

Yeah my Deliverer

I'm gonna give You praise

I'm gonna give You praise

My Deliverer